What I’m writing about here is based on experiences in Japan. It might seem unusual or even impossible in other countries, but I hope this gives some insight into how SNS (social media) and meeting people work here. Originally, I wrote this in Japanese on another blog site, and this is the English version.
So yeah, this is something I already know, but still… just some thoughts.
I only use Instagram and X. I’ve been on X since the open beta days when it was still Twitter. In the first few years, I had a few hundred followers and was following about the same number of people. But since I tend to overshare at times, I felt I needed to set some boundaries for myself. So I made my account private, gradually unfollowed people, and now I’m down to about 10 mutuals. It’s a space where I can say what I want and feel at ease.
I know a few people who are actively trying to make friends on social media. Some are successful, but most aren’t.
Now, how do we define success or failure here? If meeting someone in person, gradually getting together more often, and building a friendship over two or three years is considered “success,” then “failure” would be when things fizzle out after two or three meetups, messages get left unanswered, or they stop getting invites altogether. Most of my acquaintances fall into this latter category.
I know people who say they want “drinking buddies” or “friends to go on hot spring trips with,” but after years of trying, they still haven’t made those connections. They often end up saying, “Ugh, this is so frustrating.”
Now, I don’t mean to sound like I’m flexing here (lol), but making friends through social media has never been particularly hard for me. Of course, I’ve met a few weirdos along the way, but I’ve still managed to maintain friendships. Honestly, it’s more surprising to me when things don’t work out (again, I swear I’m not flexing lol).
So, I thought I’d write down some thoughts on why some people struggle with making friends online. This is just my personal take, so if you don’t agree, feel free to ignore it. There’s no single right answer, after all.
Want Drinking Buddies but Can’t Find Any
I don’t go out for drinks often, even though I can drink. So I don’t usually hang out with my acquaintance who’s looking for drinking buddies, but from what I’ve observed, I feel like they might be a bit too particular.
They say, “I’m open to anything!” but then they go, “Shochu is the best, and we have to eat offal!” Even if they don’t think they’re being restrictive, that’s how it comes across.
There are plenty of people who love izakayas, shochu, beer, and sours. Many enjoy the lively atmosphere of a busy izakaya. But still, is it normal to just randomly say, “Hey, let’s go drinking!” to someone you’ve never met? Sure, there are online communities for that, but my acquaintance doesn’t seem to be looking for that kind of thing.
I feel like Japanese people tend to have strong preferences for group sizes—some prefer small groups of 2-3 people, while others want 5-6, or even more. My acquaintance prefers smaller groups, but I think the number of people involved really affects whether someone feels comfortable joining.
“Let’s Go Drinking!”—How Does That Sound?
So, my acquaintance often posts things like, “Anyone up for drinks this weekend?” or “Who’s down for some offal in Nakano tonight?” on their socials. And every time I see those posts, I wonder how people interpret them.
I know they have friends nearby, but even those people don’t seem eager to join. I can’t help but wonder—why?
Want a Hot Spring Travel Buddy
Another acquaintance of mine wants a friend to go on occasional hot spring trips with. They’ll post something like, “Planning a trip to Ginzan Onsen over the holiday weekend! Who’s in?”—and then complain that nobody bites.
I mean… I kinda get why.
Social media connects people regardless of physical distance, but when you throw out an open invite like that, how likely is it that someone will jump in? If it’s a close-knit group of people living nearby who chat regularly, then sure, suggesting a casual izakaya meetup isn’t a big deal.
But if there’s little to no prior interaction, and all someone knows about you is that you constantly post pictures of brown-colored food (with no personal photos), well… yeah, it’s gonna be hard to find people willing to meet up.
Would you go drinking with someone whose face you don’t even know? You wouldn’t, right? If you don’t even know their age or vibe, it’s just too much of a leap.
Social Media and Social Hierarchy
Some people interpret social media behavior as a ranking system for friendships. For example, someone might see a story and think, “Oh, so they didn’t invite me…” (I actually know people who feel this way.)
How you behave on social media can unintentionally hurt people. Understanding this dynamic to some extent is important if you don’t want to unintentionally damage relationships.
The Hot Spring Dilemma
That acquaintance of mine isn’t some hot spring expert. They just want to chill at a nice ryokan. But some people take hot springs seriously.
To those enthusiasts, my acquaintance’s approach probably comes across as “I just want to relax somewhere nice during a long weekend.” There’s nothing wrong with that, but expecting to casually find a travel companion for a hot spring trip with a stranger? That’s a bit of a stretch.
If you already have some shared experiences with someone, it’s different. For example, when I meet people through photography, we naturally start talking about our interests. If I see someone posting a lot of ocean photos, I might ask, “Oh, do you go to the ocean often?”—which can lead to, “Hey, wanna go shoot together next time?” And before you know it, we’re planning a weekend trip.
What’s Your Strength? What’s Your Weakness?
This is such a basic thing, but being honest about your strengths and weaknesses makes it easier to connect with people.
For example, if someone asks me about photography, I’ll answer what I know, but if I don’t know something, I admit it. Sometimes I’ll say, “Let me look into that and get back to you.” I think showing that kind of sincerity helps build trust.
And of course, I ask about things I don’t know. If someone doesn’t have the answer, I’ll research it myself and later say, “Hey, remember that thing we talked about? Turns out it’s actually like this.” This kind of back-and-forth helps strengthen relationships.
You Can’t Just “Cut to the Good Part”
You can’t just skip straight to the drinking or hot spring trips. Relationships build over time—getting to know each other, hanging out, and gradually deepening the connection. Trying to cut straight to the fun part just doesn’t work.
I feel like a lot of people today are trying to experience just the “highlight moments” of relationships, which kind of reminds me of how, back in the day, some people used to have “drivers” or “meal sponsors” instead of actual friendships.
Social Media Is Not a Friend-Making Catalog
I’ve made friends through social media, but it wasn’t because I was trying to make friends—it just happened naturally. Social media is a tool, but relationships themselves are built outside of it.
If someone meets people but constantly finds them “not quite right,” then yeah, they probably won’t form lasting friendships.
We all have expectations when meeting new people, and social media gives us an endless pool of options. But if you only focus on finding the “perfect” person, you’ll never actually connect with anyone.
Final Thoughts
When I hear people say they “can’t make friends,” I often feel like the issue isn’t their lack of friends—it’s that they’re not capable of maintaining relationships.
And relying only on social media to meet people? That just sounds like an excuse to me.
At the end of the day, it’s not about where you meet people—it’s about how you build relationships. And if that’s the real issue, switching platforms won’t magically fix it.
Whew, that was a long one. Anyway, just my personal thoughts!